They met after what seemed eons. A couple of months, maybe. Or
years. They didn’t know. What they knew was the awkwardness that hung in the
air; and neither of them knew how to deal with.
“How are you?” he asked, in the deepest, calmest voice he
could manage. He always believed that this ‘baritone’ of his was one of those
things that made him awfully seductive and distant at the same time. But she
would always playfully snub him, calling it the “croak” and breaking into a
giggle.
She looked at him. He knew she was thinking of the same
thing. “Good”, she said and immersed herself into what he could best describe as some kind of
prolific observational study of the Delhi Highway traffic.
‘Good?’ What could that mean? Is she sad and sarcastic? Or is
she at ease and indifferent? More importantly, where does the conversation go
from here? So he did the next best thing – looked at the cars and buses on the
highway. He occasionally spotted a black sedan and would smile. It was on his “one
day, I will buy this” list. His gaze shifted to a Harley Davidson bike that
whizzed by them. The rider had a back-pack neatly tied to the bike – in addition to
the knapsack on his back. Leh, he thought, it’s the best time to go to Leh.
Memories from his own trip to Leh came flooding back and as he remembered the spontaneous-
crazy trip they made, it made him smile even more.
Actually, he could never figure out what he really wanted –
he saw himself getting down a fancy black sedan and entering a corporate
boardroom and then he knew wanted to just get on a bike and just wanted to
travel, backpacking around the world – without any budget or responsibilities.
He just needed to figure out what he wanted more.
“Yenyen?”
He cut short his thoughts. “Hmmm?” he asked
as he looked at her. She always did that. Addressed him by that name when she
wanted something. He found it difficult to not fall for it, and today was no
exception. He looked into her eyes. Her eyes lit up when she smiled. That expression
when she is so happy that she cries? He could do anything for it.
“When will we stop pretending?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, when will we grow up? When will we stop pretending
everything is alright and stop talking as if we are completely okay? When will
we stop fooling ourselves? Maybe, this is the way it was always meant to be. We
thought it would work out, but it didn’t. Maybe we were too different. Or maybe
too similar, you know? Maybe you’re the guy who was looking for something else
and I’m the girl who is insanely in love with the idea of love – but I am personifying
my yearning. You know what I mean, right? Maybe we never liked each other.
Maybe we were attracted to and possessed by this crazy happiness we created together.
Actually, maybe what we created was euphoria – the short lived state of
intoxicating happiness. Not the stable, uniform happiness. Yeah, maybe that was
the problem. We both wanted different things. And that made us similar. And
everything got mixed up. And maybe that’s why you decided to run away.”
He could feel her emotions pouring into his hollow self – or
maybe it was his own emotions. He couldn’t tell the difference. He watched
helplessly, as the warm liquid of mixed feelings filled him up, bit by bit.
“You know what? Maybe it is the sheer fear of loneliness that
keeps us going. A stray call or message; diffused in the day-to-day life –
helps us cling on to something non-existent. Non-existent. Yup! that’s the
word. And that’s what our feelings are towards each other. Maybe, it is time to
just get a reality check. Maybe, that’s how the story ends.”
He looked at her. Her eyes were moist, and defiant. Of all
the battles she fought, the one with her tears was the most important to her.
He couldn’t take his eyes off the face that turned away from him, to hide a
tear or two trickling down. He felt an enormous sense of déjà vu. He wanted to kiss her, right there – under the
halogen street light, on the broken pavement, against the backdrop of the
concrete jungle that they lived in. He wanted to tell her all of it didn’t
matter. What mattered was that they finally met again. He knew she loved him
and that he wouldn’t run away – ever. He wanted to engulf her in her arms and
dissolve away her fears.
He got up and without a word, walked towards his bike.
She looked at him as he walked away, for one last time; and
she was so sad that she smiled.
